As we have discussed it is quite evident that life is hard. 

Just be nice. 

The truth of the matter in interacting with others is that you have no idea what sort of hardships are ongoing in another person’s life. 

Sure, you’re black and have been beaten down by undying racism your whole life. You’ve been hurt and your shields are up. You don’t have time for others bullshit and there is always, ALWAYS, some level of disrespect in the way others interact with you. 

But the latino at the taco truck cooking your burrito had to cross the Rio Grande and leave his family, and despite being educated in his home land can not find work because he’s an immigrant. Or worse, has papers and still can’t find work because a different level of racism believes he is an idiot. 

Our server is a young white girl and she simply can’t get it together to deliver prompt service. She has all the privileges of life and should be able to do something as simple as bring water to our table. But she’s the child of divorce and has been working since she was 16 to survive. She has no support and some of her family are alcoholics or have been institutionalized. Today she received an eviction notice due to gentrification. We know none of this, only that we want service and we want it now.

The moral here is simply, be nice. 

I get it, you have places to be. You are hungry, thirsty, tired. You want what you want, now, and when you interact with others it’s because they are providing you with a service, or you them a service, or they are interrupting your day. But truthfully, you have no idea what they were just doing a moment before you arrived. A bartender who looks like they are doing nothing may not be lazy, but overworked. 

This may come as a shock, but most people who work in a service industry, be that a food place, a mechanics shop, a grocery store, a clothing department, a lot of those people are ‘guaranteed’ breaks, 15 minutes and a 30 lunch, that they are are simply not allowed to take. The food industry is worse in that owners will often have their workers sign waivers saying they refuse the right for those breaks. That means 6 hours of going with, maybe, a smoke break and a pee break. What if you don’t smoke? It’s worse, cause social stigma says you can’t have that break if you don’t have that addiction. Backwards, eh?

The point being is that everything, for everyone, is a lot more pleasant, works a lot more smoothly, if people are nice. Nice often means being patient. I’m sorry but it takes time to cook food. What’s more, your order isn’t the first, it’s the 5th, and only so much can be done so quickly.

I’d love to say this is a problem of youth, the desire for instant gratification, but it’s not. It’s an issue of technology. In a world that advertises instant yes we have been trained to be impatient. A video clip can’t be more than 2 minutes long. The people won’t watch it. 30 seconds is better. Click of a button and you’re groceries are delivered. Call a car, it’ll take 2 minutes to arrive. Fast food – out in less than 5 minutes. Of course most of that food isn’t real food. It makes your body unhappy to digest, but you aren’t paying attention to that, though slowly you feel worse throughout the day, which makes you irritable, which you blame on the slowness or inadequacy of others.

Be nice. Be patient. And if you can, be kind. 

Be kind to others. Be kind to yourself. Life is hard and beats you down. Be kind to yourself. You are doing your best in unreasonable circumstances. We all are. Keep in mind we all are.

A Word on Ordering in a Restaurant or Bar

The biggest, the mostest, look at the closing time. If the closing time is 10pm, be leaving the restaurant or bar at 10pm. Do NOT sit down at 9:55pm. If you’re clock out time is 5pm, you want to be out that door at 5pm. Guess what, your restaurant staff feels the same way. Closing time is 10pm and we want to be out of there as close to 10pm as possible. Not 11pm. You think we’ve scheduled ourselves to be done at 11pm? Think again.  The latest to arrive at a restaurant is 30 minutes before closing. The LATEST, and expect to eat quickly and get out. It’s you respecting our time, and us respecting yours. You want good service, come during active service hours. 30 minutes before closing is not active service hours. That’s winding down closing hours. The last hour of service, 9pm-10pm is intended for the customers already seated to have time to enjoy the end of their meal. That hour is not intended for you to slide in at the last minute and expect the royal treatment. Do it better. 

In a bar, you know you have to GET THE FUCK OUT by 2am. You know last call is 1:30am/1:45am. It’s the law. Why would you think a restaurant is any different?

Ahem. Okay… moving along.

First, if you come in and are not greeted don’t take personal offense.  It could be that’s not the style of establishment, or it could be that everyone is busy. More likely than not, its poor management, and that is not the server, bartender, or bussers fault. A lot of people own bars and restaurants who have no business doing so. It’s an incredibly corrupt industry and most people working in that industry are literally breaking themselves, physically, mentally and emotionally, to simply survive. 

Second, the customer is NOT always right. The phrase, idea, that the customer is always right was a foolish thing to put out into the world. It came from lying and placating, back to the corruption, and instilled a sense of superiority and self righteousness in customers that is undeserved and destructive. The truth is, you came to this establishment for an experience. You could have cooked or ordered in, but no, you went out. That means you came to be managed. That’s right, managed. You came to not think, to not be in charge. You want to be fed and watered and you want the operation to be simple and satisfying. A server or bartenders job, if they are aware and well trained, is to know this. Once you enter, you are mine to guide, and that means I’m going to make you slow down. 

This is important. Slow down. You have been rushing all day. You need to chill. Grab and go is for people who can’t slow down. A bar or restaurant is not for that. Dining should take an hour, or hours. Instead we make it a 20 minute show. This is not good, nor healthy for anyone. You being in a rush makes us in a rush, and we have to time things. Your drinks, your apps, your food, and 7 other tables, all at once. 

Third, each job is different. It’s not your responsibility to know that this person is a busser, not a server, or that this person is a cocktail waitress and not a bartender. We understand that. Please don’t get mad if you ask for something and the message doesn’t get through. It is more than likely that you decided you wanted something right now, and grabbed for the first person that might feasible get it to you. That might have been the wrong person. Sometimes bussers or food runners don’t speak the local language. That is why they are dealing with dishes. They might not know who you’re server is. A million small reasons can mean mis or non communication. Be nice. Be patient. 

Fourth, the service industry is a corrupt place. Let me expound. I’ve worked in the service industry for 15 years and I have done every single job. No bravado or exaggeration here. I have bussed, done dishes, mopped up puke, cleaned kitchens, worked the line, barbacked, bartended, invented menus, matched menus, done ordering, been a GM, owned a catering company, owned a pop up, worked security, done consulting, done rebuilds, done business taxes and the books, done PR and outreach, promoted, performed. I am a lifer. I may not always be working in the service industry, but I will always go back to it. I love it. I’m good at it. Managing many moving parts is a skill I have. I enjoy the interactions. I like making people feel good and cared for and happy. I want people to laugh. 

There and many levels of service industry. To you it all probably looks the same. To me, it looks like this: There are mom and pop, low-end, high-end, and corporate. There’s also business front, chain, union, catering, novice, entrepreneurial, holistic, political, social. It’s often impossible to tell the differences unless you know what to look for, and even then, if you don’t work in the service industry you won’t likely know it, even if you know what to look for. 

Let’s start with business fronts. A surprising amount of restaurants and bars are business fronts for the Mafia or money laundering. It’s still one of the best ways to launder. So much cash. Sometimes those people go to great lengths to make their place high-end. Sometimes they don’t. It’s moments like these that inconsistencies are the give away. A fully Russian staff in an Italian style bar, for example. Unlikely. Not because Russians can’t like Italian, but because diversity is natural in the service industry. A staff of just one culture is often a give away unless the staff is of that style cuisine. But what about Asian restaurants? A Chinese restaurant is almost always all Chinese in staff. True, and it doesn’t mean that restaurant isn’t a front. But so, how friendly are the staff? Another check. It’s service with a smile people; that one is true.  

Let’s move onto Entrepreneurial. This one is frustrating. Someone who has ‘always dreamt of owning a bar’ suddenly does because they made big tech money or their investments paid out. They’ve made the move. They have little to no experience. Their first hired on staff will be completely replaced except for maybe one person within the first year. They have a dream of how they want things to work and that dream is often inefficient and counter to the nature of the industry. They have lofty unrealistic goals. They also often want to impress their friends. It’s not about love of the job or even the sales, it’s about proving how good they are. These people suck to work for. This is why startups are dangerous for job security. 

Right, so go union then! That’s gotta be safe! Most hotels are union. And yes, safe, sure. You will always have a job, breaks, medical insurance, paid time off. It’s a sweet gig. But despite your skill set you start at the bottom rung. There is no space for advancement until someone hire up moves up the ladder or leaves. It is boring and mundane. People in this job don’t care about their job because they are protected. There is little to no pride. Often it starts out with pride, but five years later, it’s gone. They do the minimum. That’s why hotel staff is often so sedate, they can afford to be. Great if you want safety. Terrible if you have a work ethic and enjoy personality and character. 

The most regular corruption though happens in your standard stand alone small restaurant. 5 years is sort of the test. If a restaurant can survive 3 years its chances of overall survival increase. If it lives for 5 years it’s likeliness of survival increases exponentially. The biggest corruption happens in those places which are under 3 years old. That’s when health inspectors are paid off. That’s when bad management causes drama. That’s when sexual assaults go unrecorded. That’s when bad checks go out to staff or hours are docked. As a rule, a person in the service industry should count their hours and save their clock in and clock outs to compare to their paychecks. It is sadly normal to be underpaid by employers. The most expensive part of a restaurant is the staff and many owners will remove hours in hopes that it goes unnoticed by their staff. Appalling, I know, and yet standard true. Also, staff is required to report all tips, cash and credit, to be taxed. That means that fat tip you just left of 20%… it means we aren’t, in the long run, going to see that full 20%. We’re gonna see 15% if we are lucky… more likely 10% because taxes are gonna take that away. We live on tips. Having half our tips removed to taxes instead of paying us a living wage is financially killing us. 

Lastly, in the land of corrupt, is the social atmosphere. A good manager will let their staff do their work as they see fit, and will intervene only when and if it is necessary. Many managers don’t do that. They micromanage, commenting on every little action. Being told you’re doing it wrong constantly throughout the day is a spirit killer. Managers are often ready to give out correction or condemnation before approval. A member of service industry can be told how they fucked up and may never hear how they did a good job. This is the most backwards thing in the industry, and it does the most damage. To managers it’s called ‘running a tight ship’ but really, its not. It is ego. Its pressure from the owners to make money. Its power. Trusting your staff to do their job is huge. Teaching your staff how to do their job and then letting them figure out how to fit those teachings into what they already know takes patience. People make mistakes. You can’t teach someone something and expect them to get it right the first time. After three times, sure, say something. Drill it in a little bit, remind. They will get it. People learn differently. 

So as you see, you’re server, bartender, busser…  there’s often a lot on their minds. There’s a lot of stress. Which means every time you go somewhere and have an awesome experience keep in mind that those people serving you have put in an incredible amount of time and effort to learn how to be good at their job. They deserve your respect in this. Instead, they often still get condemnation for not being fast enough, attentive enough. Or worse, they receive nothing for their efforts because they are ‘the help’. Service industry are not servants. We don’t have to serve you or care for you. We choose to. So please, choose to be nice. 

Now, one more thing: Servers versus bartenders. These are not the same job and they come with very different problems. 

The server’s job is to make you happy. A server, for this reason, will not talk back to you and will go to great lengths to ensure a good experience for you, including being abused by you. That’s right, when you are mean, sharp, condescending or an outright bitch to your server it’s in their job description to take it. They are not weak. They have things to say back to you. They are not allowed to talk back to you. Unfortunately, this means that servers are one of the most abused workers in the industry. You certainly wouldn’t put up with that behavior if I came into your office. 

What’s worse, is that once you’ve been impatient, rude, condescending (this one… this happens the most) whatever, to your server, that server is going back to the kitchen to vent. Yes. Your cooks now know that you have been a dick to your server. Your other servers, bartenders, bussers, they know. There are millions of small revenges for that behavior. The busser won’t come clean your table quickly, amassing dirty dishes before you. Your bartender may underpour you. Your server may avoid your table. Suddenly you’re having a shitty experience and you think, god, this place has terrible service. Truthfully, no. It doesn’t have terrible service. It gave back to you what you gave to it. Your shitty attitude was returned to you. 

When you have a bad experience in a place keep this mind. More often than not you caused that bad experience to happen to you. Be nice. 

Bartenders, on the other hand, have a different job, and that is to manage you while you check out. Alcohol, even one drink, shuts down parts of your brain. We know this. For that reason, we need to use a stronger hand with you, cause drinking makes ya dumb, and for this reason, we need to be a little bit of a dick. Once you enter our space we are aware of you. Asking for the name on your tab is not a comment on our memory of you, we know your face and what and how much and how quickly you’ve been drinking. We know if you’ve been polite or rude. We know if your having a bad day or good day. Often, we know what you want next. But the name on your tab, that’s the money, and though making money is good, for the house and me, that’s not why I’m a bartender. Its relatively low on the totem pole. I’m asking your tab name to space out for timing. By asking, it hits a center if cognizance in your brain, gives me a chance to turn and check the computer. If I don’t do that, if I just jump to the next customer then that means when I finally reach the computer I have 5 tabs with a total of 15 drinks, names, details, edits. Super super super complicated and more than likely, something will be missed. Asking your tab name is a timing skill. I’m pacing your experience, stretching out time, and for good reasons.

I am a performing interactive cook babysitter. That’s right. I have to perform to entertain, make cocktails – cooking really – babysit my drinkers, keep track of numbers, costs, ingredients, tabs, and also manage my staff. All bartenders manage their staff. They have to, because a bartender can say to a customer what a server or manager can’t. If my servers are upset I need to calm them down. We take care of our house, our staff, first. That’s a lot.

Then let’s add skills. There are easily 60 cocktails I need to have memorized. Then the house cocktails. I need to know about all wine, all beer, most hard alcohol. If I’m really good I know on top of that another 60 cocktails, and I know the rules for how to make and serve each. That’s more information for a daily job than my line cook has to remember. My head chef and sous chef and GM juggle that amount of information on hand, but really no one else. Being bartender is hard. It’s hard to keep all that straight. What’s more is that anyone can learn to pour drinks. You can teach the trade, you can’t teach the character, and therein lies the reason a bartender is a special thing. A good bartender is efficient, relaxed, capable, aware of timing and makes you at ease, despite the fact they are likely doing 10 things at once which you are unlikely to notice. In fact, we guarantee you don’t notice that we are doing those things, because you are drinking. And so we are also forgiving of your willful ignorance. Forgiving. This quality is why people go to bars to drink. People need a mental escape. They also, often, need to feel forgiven, and in a safe space to let their fears and insecurities and sorrows just be. Hence why the bartender is often considered a therapist. They aren’t. They may never speak. But they are ready to forgive you, ready to listen, and that’s all most people want… to be heard. 

Tips and Tricks to Ordering

Approach the bar and figure out where the menu is. Do not try and get the bartender’s attention. We know you are there. We also know that you don’t know what you want. We also already have a line of people to serve and guess what, they aren’t queued in a straight line. They are spread all over the bar. We are not stepping over you when we pass you to help someone else cause we dont like you or are ignoring you. They were here first. We know that. 

1: Find a menu, figure out what you want.

2: Get your money or method of payment ready. Card or cash in hand. Just do it. It may be the sort of place where you pay at the end. Doesn’t matter. Time is of the essence to me.

3: Eye contact. Do not wave, snap, whistle, shout. Be patient. Especially don’t just walk up and start ordering. I’m not listening or thinking about you yet, and now your rudely interrupting. That dear in the headlights look, that’s not cause I’m incompetent, it’s because you just rudely butt yourself into my personal space and I’m trying not to yell at you for doing so. Don’t worry, I’ll get to you. I know you are there. This is especially true if you have already had one drink. I want a drink in everyone’s hand. Ima get the new arrivals first. I’m gonna get the regulars second. I’m gonna get those on round two, three, four next. There is a method here. Be patient.

4: Order clearly, without pause. ‘Yes, I’d please like a Gin and Tonic, 2 Pilsners and a Jameson on the rocks.’ Good job. Do NOT: ‘can I have a Gin and Tonic.’ period. pause. This tells me you have finished your order. I go get said GnT ‘can I also have 2 Pilsners.’ period. pause. DO NOT ORDER ONE DRINK AT A TIME. It takes as much time for me to make 3 drinks as 1. Walking back and forth kills my time. I also end up walking around 5 miles in a 6 hour shift. Think about that.

5: Open or closed or cash.  Just tell me. Don’t make me guess, or wait for you to make up your mind. You already know I’m gonna ask this question. 

Realize that your indecisiveness or inattention is keeping other people from drinking. You are not the only person in this bar. The world does not revolve around you. And this is the most frustrating part. We get you want to be checked out. We get you came here to have fun, but in order to do that you need to help us get you there. Help us get out of your way so you can have a good time. By helping us you help yourself. And guess what, be nice. We get to choose how much we serve you. We get to choose if you stay or go. We get to choose if you get what you asked for. 

Don’t tell us how to do our job like you know better. You don’t. Every time a customer tries to inform me of what my job is or why I’m doing it or how, all they have told me is that they have never worked in the industry, that it is beneath them and that they are privileged and spoilt. You would be surprised how often the people who treat me this way are lower-class black folk. And they don’t tip. This is not racism, this is a fact. Reparations have been the cited for why this is for a long time. Black folks don’t owe no one nothing, some say. To a degree… I agree… except that you never know who’s been hurt how, and treating people poorly because you judge them or feel you have the right too makes you no better than your oppressors. 

Be nice. Just be nice. 

Ok. Here’s some information about drinks and what you are asking for:

A cocktail is 50% water. Just know that. When you say, ‘oh, they watered down my drink’. Yes. Yes we did, because you asked for a cocktail, which by definition is half water. We didn’t give you less booze. If you want more booze we will happily give it to you, for the price of the booze. Why would you think booze is free when drinking water isn’t free?

A Shot is measured differently in different places. In California and most of the U.S. a shot is 1.5 oz’s. In Europe a shot is .75oz. In some high end bars a shot is 2 oz’s. In some really shitty dive bars a shot is 3oz’s. All of these different sizes may or may not cost the same. It’s not negotiable. 

A Long Island Iced Tea will not get you drunk faster. Order a double of anything instead. A Long Island is .5oz’s each of gin, vodka, tequila, rum, simple or triple sec, lemon juice, topped with coke-a-cola. That means this drink is 2 oz of alcohol and a LOT of sugar. It’s just gonna give you a bad hangover. It’s not gonna get you drunk faster, it’s not more booze than a healthy shot, and the kind of drunk it’s going to give you is gonna suck. A double is 3 oz’s. Do the math. As an aside, the moment you order this is the moment your bartender or server loses respect for you. You’re written off as ignorant and foolish and self destructive. Particularly if you ask for Top Shelf Long Island. That’s realistically, least in California where we have hella high end booze, a $24 cocktail. At an airport bar, sure, go buck wild. Just sayin. 

Top Shelf booze means main stream not in a plastic jug booze. Bacardi, Patron, Jameson, Skyy, Crown Royal, Hennessy, etc. None of those alcohols are actually high-end at all. They are simply well advertised and served everywhere, in glass bottles. In most states well booze comes in plastic bottles and is akin to jet fuel. Top Shelf in California is going to be micro-distilled booze – Four Roses, Buffalo Trade, Mount Gay, Tito’s, Hendricks. A shot can range upward in these of $8-12+. Most of the time California’s well is ‘Top Shelf’.   

Stop ordering Martini’s unless you actually want a Martini. A Martini is 2 oz Gin (or Vodka… I guess), 1 oz Dry Vermouth, stirred, served in a Martini glass. Period. End story. Olive, lemon twist, onion. That’s it. That’s a Martini. Now, some discussion. Dry Vermouth is a fortified wine, meaning they took a wine and put it in a barrel that had previously contained a hard alcohol. It was left there for some time and then bottled. Like most wine, if left out it will go bad. Vermouth needs to be refrigerated. Many bars are serving turned, or bad, Vermouth. This is why people want their Martinis DRY. 

Let’s discuss lingo:

Up – means the cocktail was stirred over ice and strained into a stemmed glass. When ordering a Martini this is redundant. A Martini is ALWAYS served Up. 

Straight Up – means the booze was NOT stirred over ice and poured into a steamed glass. This drink is room temperature. It DOES contain Vermouth. Gin AND Vermouth. Ice never touched this drink.

Dry – means a Martini with a very small amount of Vermouth, less than .5 oz, stirred over ice and strained into a steamed glass.

Very dry – means a shot, stirred over ice and strained into a stemmed glass.

Rocks – means a short bucket glass with ice.

Neat – means an even smaller bucket class with no ice.

Dirty – means with olive juice.

Twist – is a twist of lemon, unless specified otherwise.

Gibson – a Vodka Martini with an onion, yes, contains Vermouth.

So…when you go to a bar and say “I’d like a Martini, straight up, on the rocks.” You have effectively not ordered a thing. What you are TRYING to say is I want a martini without Vermouth served over ice – which is actually just Gin on the rocks. 

I think it was a 007 movie where someone ordered a Martini straight up and then some conversation of distaste ensued about Vermouth. STRAIGHT UP does NOT remove the Vermouth. 

007, James Bond, ruined Martinis. Confused an entire generation on what the words mean.

Most people, when they order a Martini, want a chilled Vodka or Gin in a Martini glass. That’s it. That’s what most people want. It’s very annoying. 

In regards to your flavored Martinis… your strawberry or chocolate whatever’s… thats a whoooo girl Vegas thing that DOES NOT EXIST outside of those places. If you ask me for a Strawberry Martini I will muddle a strawberry with Vodka or Gin and Vermouth, stir with ice, and serve up. It is not sweet. What you WANT is a Strawberry Lemon Drop. Muddled strawberries, Vodka, lemon juice, simple syrup or triple sec, shaken, served up, pretty strawberry garnish with a mint leave. It’s sweet, like candy, like your lipstick.

Here are some other bits of lingo:

Tall – means a Collins glass, also known as Highball glass, long skinny and thin. It means a little extra mixer, not more booze. If you want it in a pint glass you need to ask for that. If you want a double you need to ask for that.

Neat and a Shot are the same amount of liquid in different shaped glasses.

Chilled Shot – does not mean less alcohol but does mean more liquid in the glass because ‘chilling’ the booze means stirring it over ice, which means some water in there. Chilled shots are usually served in short buckets because there’s too much liquid to put in a shot glass. If your order a chilled shot and it comes in a shot glass there will be less alcohol in there. Most places don’t leave alcohol in a freezer to pour shots with. Maybe Fernet if you’re in San Francisco. 

Chilled in a bucket – means the normal amount of alcohol, and also some water, because of stirring over ice, as above.

Alcohol and mixer – means a bucket with ice, and booze and mixer. Always. Gin and Tonic. Vodka Soda. Lemon versus lime is relative. For the better part clear liquors get lime and dark liquors get lemon. 

Skinny – means no sugar. Sometimes. Sometimes it means less sugar. Skinny is a terrible order. Just ask for tequila soda with lime juice instead of a skinny margarita. Skinny can mean anything you want it to mean, which is going to be different than what I think it means. Also, stop drinking cocktails at bars. 

Hangovers are about sugar and water. If you drink one thing all night, and water, you will be fine. The more sugar in your drink the worse the hangover.

Booze and weight. This one cracks me up. I had a customer order a Vodka margarita no agave with a Grand Marnier float saying that it kept her weight down because the vodka was clear and there was no syrup. Ok. So many problems with this. A Margarita is, if you are lucky, Tequila, agave and lime juice. 

Agave is a syrup, containing sugar, from the agave plant. It is not processed and easy to digest. Your body likes agave. It’s a good sugar, you burn agave, it doesn’t latch onto fat cells. 

Grand Marnier is a orange liquor, processed with fructose and corn sugars. It is a lot of sugar, a ton of sugar, bad sugar, the kind of sugar that latches onto your fat cells and stays there. You will gain weight. 

Tequila, nor Vodka, nor Rum or Whiskey have any opinions about your weight. No hard alcohol makes ya fat. Yes, many of these things are made from sugars. The distillation process removes any fat binding properties from those sugars. The calorie difference between whiskey, vodka and tequila is less than negligible. That said, some brands add sugar, food coloring and flavoring to their booze. That will have an effect. Jim Beam and Jack Daniels, all sorts of fun additives. It pays off to drinker nicer booze. 

As for your hangover. What DOES affect your weight and your hangover is how you drink your booze. An old fashioned has an .5 oz of sugar. A Margarita has 1oz of agave syrup. Most things people drink have sugar in them. Triple sec is the big culprit here. It’s a bad sugar and it is used liberally in cocktails. Sugar gives you weight and hangovers. 

But wait, you say! Isn’t Rum made from sugar cane? How can there be no sugar in it? Again, I didn’t say booze has no sugar, I said it doesn’t hold content like that. Yes, Rum is made from sugar cane. Tequila and Mezcal are made from the agave plant. Vodka, Whiskey, Rye, Bourbon and Gin are made largely from some mixture of corn and wheat. I know, you thought all Vodka was made from potatoes. Once that was true. Now straight potato Vodka is rare. It’s usually corn. Whiskey, Rye and Bourbon are all wheat and corn and a few other grains. Gin is juniper flavored Vodka. Yea, more corn. All of these ingredients contain sugar but the distillation process neutralizes that structure of the sugar into a shape that doesn’t latch on to fat cells. The flavor is there, but the content of the finished product from the original is not the same.

Most real alcoholics, who drink a bottle of hard alcohol a day… they aren’t fat. It’s not just the bad health choices or not eating enough. It’s that hard alcohol doesn’t make ya fat.

Beer, on the other hand, will make you fat. Good luck with that. 

Wine is pretty middle of the road. There is some gain, but not much. Most people who drink the quantity of wine it would take to see weight gain are the sort of people who don’t much care if they have a few extra pounds. They love wine. I love wine.


Can I have a beer? Do you have any bourbon? Can you tell me what kind of gin you have? I don’t know what I want, you decide. All these questions suck. They suck. I’m good at predicting what people want because I spend all day watching people. I have a lot of data to work with. But really, I’m not a mind reader. Yes, you can have a beer, but I don’t know what kind of beer you like or want to drink. I have 50 bourbons, tell me what you drink normally and I’ll see what I can recommend. I have 15 gins. They are right in front of you. Please use your eyes to read their names. 

Lastly, please try not to be mad when we cut you off. Look, we don’t want to stop selling you alcohol, but frankly, you’ve made it so we can’t. In many states you have to have a license to be a bartender and that license says when to stop serving someone. This is so you don’t fall down in the street drunk, or drunk drive, or hurt yourself. If we cut you off, it’s because you’ve had enough. We feel bad about it. It’s our fault we got you drunk. That said, don’t be mean about it. If you really feel you want more go to another bar. They don’t know you and they may make the call to serve you or not. 

The worst part is guilt by association. One of your group is a shit show and we request you all stop drinking because of that. It sucks for everyone. The reason for this though, is that if one of your friends is hammered then you need to take care of that friend, and you can’t do that if you are hammered. It’s also reasonable to assume that if one of your group is hammered that the rest aren’t far behind. Dealing with one really really drunk person sucks. Dealing with 5 really really drunk people sucks more. Sorry, but even though you came here to relax and let go, we still need you to take minimal care of yourself. If you force us to take full care of you then we will and that might not be an experience you’ll want or like. 

So, in conclusion, the overall moral of the story here is be nice. 

Just be nice. Don’t be a pushover. Don’t let people hurt you. If you can afford a service, then you can afford to be nice.